I Signed Up for This...Didn't I?
by Sanjeev Herr

Being a med student
Is everything I ever dreamed of…
Right?
It is getting to quench my endless thirst for knowledge...
Not through small sips from an ice-cold glass of pathophys
Nor slurps from a gentle stream of patient care
No
It is being forced to drink from a fire hose or a fire hydrant
It is handing every synapse in my brain a cold one and screaming chug chug chug
without a single care to the ones that are tired or who have already had too much to drink
But that’s it, right?
Not quite
Being a med student is a constant performance for acceptance and respect
I’m sorry did I say acceptance and respect, I meant residency applications
It is having to outperform everyone around you just to be seen, just to be heard
It is choosing between doing what I love and what screams look at me ERAS, I’m a star!
But really, what’s most important is that you just focus on your studies!
Along with five leadership positions, four research projects and sprinkle in some volunteering so you don’t forget
that you’re here to help people
But hey, at least we’re all in it together, right?
All are treated equally, experiencing the same struggles and held to the same standards
Made by a white cis-gendered heteronormative and neurotypical institution
All an illusion
Because we’re all different and that’s to be celebrated
At least that’s what the mission statement says
I am a gay, Puerto Rican with ADHD and in those large classrooms, I can’t focus for shit,
Oops, did I just swear, I am so sorry, I forgot to maintain my professionalism,
I forgot that in order to be a medical professional I must not look or act or talk or learn differently,
I forgot that I must maintain my position up on that pedestal therefore I can no longer be human
Being a med student is being a part of yet another broken system,
A place ran by medical professionals well aware of just how too much it all is, yet no concern for how we’re really doing,
If I hear one more “good-natured” “Yeah, that’s just how it is” in response to my “I’m honestly overwhelmed and it just feels like too much”,
I just might give a fake laugh and internalize it all, hehe
A profession with the highest rates of suicide and burnout,
And yet only 2 therapists for 700 students,
Emails saying make sure you relax and enjoy your break,
And the ones that follow saying don’t forget to study for step 1 and apply for this and for that,
Being a med student is being asked,
“Yeah, but isn’t that what you signed up for?”
And simply responding, I guess it is.