Poem: Thoughts from a First-Year 1
by Skylar J. Henderson

It’s my first year of medical school and
I can’t believe I’m here.
When do we get to the anatomy lab?
What’s Crohn’s disease?
What’s second year like?
What about clinical rotations and
Electives?
Am I going to love my life or is this semi-eternal damnation?
How do I use my stethoscope and
How do I pronounce sphygmom….omano…manometer?
How does Match day work? Will someone actually choose me?
Man, it’s all so exciting—
Is this all that I’ve dreamt it out to be?
I hear of burn out
Suicide,
Depression,
And low job satisfaction—
Is all this true?
And what about insurance companies?
Are they horrible to work with too?
I’m the first of my family to go into medicine and
My plan seemed airtight,
but now…
Do I actually belong here?
Come on. Of course I do… right?
I worry I’m not cut out for a job like this.
Imposter syndrome—
Hard to dismiss.
But what if it is all true?
I got a fine MCAT score, but
That was just a fluke.
I worked hard in my classes but didn’t we all—
Through the waves of
Sleepless nights and cortisol?
Why am I so privileged to be here and learn from all these smart people?
And how great is this journey if
It leads to burnout and a life that’s sad and feeble?
Oh how important it is to find a specialty I love.
Good family life, that’s important.
And good paycheck, that too.
Hopefully, some day,
I’ll have my breakthrough,
And the clouds will part and suddenly I’ll say
“Yes, of course! The perfect specialty for me.”
Is that too optimistic or even carefree?
I’m sorry neurologists, you’re clearly not my field,
But a scalpel I believe, one day, I could wield.
Maybe anesthesia, I.M., or even family practice.
Or maybe I won’t be able to decide and
I’ll get lost inside this fantasy.
I hope I enjoy this journey—
I get mixed signals from everyone.
I’m happy I’m here, but cautious nonetheless—
I want to be the best
I can, even if right now
I feel like an absolute mess.
How far can I go? And
How happy will I be?
How much control over my future do I actually have?
Must I play their games of good test scores,
Research, extracurriculars?
It’s just all so particular.
When do I meet my first patient?
What should I specialize in?
Will I have free time?
Will I enjoy my time?
What friends will I make? And what enemies?
Hopefully none.
Clinical years should be interesting, but
I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
I’m sure I’ll be prepared.
Probably.
At least I’m okay right now, when compared.
One step at a time and as long as I try my best…
I guess.
At times the load feels too much,
And they say it only gets harder?
I guess the pack doesn’t get lighter
But my back sure does get stronger.
How does residency match work?
What should I specialize in?
They say to narrow it down to surgery or medicine and
Peds or adults but
That’s still gets me nowhere.
ugh…
What a nightmare.
I do see myself as a surgeon though.
But I don’t love all the stereotypes.
I also see myself as an internist.
A Jack of all trades type.
I see myself as a pediatrician.
A colorful, friendly, and
Somewhat even silly physician.
Gosh, I miss my daughter.
Almost 8 months old.
Since her birth, I feel
My heart has grown tenfold.
She has a babinski sign! So that’s neat!
And she even has an S3 sound
In her heart beat.
I could see myself as a radiologist,
Cardiologist.
That seems interesting—
Especially after my run with heart problems a couple years ago.
Who knows?
I might fall in love with Micro
And go into pathology.
Possibly.
At times I feel like I’m in a drama, or
Some sick drawn-out comedy.
I fear the day when a patient dies on my watch.
I’m getting waaay ahead of myself—
I know—
But I think about it often.
It’s bound to happen,
Right?
And it might even be my fault!
How can I prepare myself for such an awful fate?
I’m sure I’ll figure it out.
Regardless, I still can’t believe I’m here.
Emotions and all.
What a crazy career.
It’s a clear path, medicine,
College, med school, residency... you know.
But the path is quite foggy, so
I take it one step at a time,
And try my best to enjoy
The here and now.
I know it’s hard.
I know it’s a bit scary, but
I knew this from the outset.
And worrying, they say, is wasted energy, and
I’m gonna need all the energy I can get.